"How To Be Cool Like Then Again"
Ambition: "It is not sufficient that I succeed--all others must fail."
Amytron: Joe's robot girlfriend he built from spare parts of other robot ladies and an industrial vacuum cleaner. She chews tires like licorice.
Airplane Bottle: A 5th of Jack Daniels, only appropriate for short flights.
The Albatross: Tank's newest guitar rig. The physical limit of noise producing technology. Anything heavier would collapse upon itself creating a singularity, which is why no drinks can be set on it. Too heavy to transport anywhere it can be plugged in.
Alley Bar: Where you left your 3rd and 4th credit cards.
Apologies: You fucked up. You trusted us.
Asian Assassin: Lyrical poet from Northern Illinois University. Arguably the greatest rapper in the history of the world. Hits such as 'Alcohol Time' and 'Shady Women'.
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Bad Craziness: Pretty much speaks for itself, but depends on the theory that if you are drunk enough and appear confident that what you're doing is allowed/legal/physically-possible, you can get away with just about anything. The deadly part of this disease is that the drunker you get the more certain you are that this premise is true, creating a vicious cycle (see Snake). Related to the coyote theory of flight.
Band: A group of musicians and a bass player.
Bass Guitar: A mythical instrument of unbearably inconceivable simplicity invented 3 years ago on the internet. It is well known and documented that playing bass is easier than getting a haircut.
Battle Axe: The correct size of Jack Daniels- as opposed to Airplane Bottle. *Has long been erroneously assumed to be the largest bottle of Jack available, but recent reports point to the existence of the mega 3L Super-Star Destroyer, rendering everything smaller meaningless, and most of our lives to date pointless in retrospect.
Bellagio: I can just see it now... and its breathtaking.
Benmark: A sub-level country below Denmark raised above ground by Steve Tennis during the 9000's and sent back in time to the 3000's through reverse psychology. Only a highlander may rule Benmark.
The Big Bite: This is the finest dish on the Joe's menu. Well, not on the menu. 26,450 calories and 900 grams of fat. But lots of carbs.
Bingo: Gary Busey's dog. Which may or may not actually exist.
Buddies and Jokes: Buddies are for fun havin and jokes. Jokes are for buddies and havin laughs and good times. I love jokes.
Buddy Bath Time: I have no idea what you are talking about.
Burrito Place: Some joint inordinately far away that Tank insists on going to even though it means passing 10 other burrito places and waiting in line. Bullshit.
Captain S.N.A.C.K.: Major super-hero worshipped by TA. Has the power to battle hunger. Sidekick: Napboy. Arch-Enemy: Old Salty.
Cases: The things you put equipment in. But no matter the cost or quality, they are total crap if they arent built by two hillbillies from Southern Illinois who incorporate reinforced steel beams, military strength rebar, and thermal reentry tiles. Revis.
The Cat's Meow: Joe's custom designed bass which incorporates some 37 strings and a chicken bone.
Cement Factory: An ideal place to Start Over. Demand the lowest entry level position available. Deny being overqualified. Rent a room above the local greasy spoon.
Chuck: To throw, as in to throw a half eaten sandwich off the stage that someone had been saving for after the show and was really looking forward to, thanks Tank. Also, the name of a really angry sound guy.
CK: Short for New Guy
Circle Bar: Where you left your second credit card.
Cougar: An 'experienced' woman on the prowl for a younger man. Cougars can range anything from hot to super sexy depending on just how drunk you are. Often known to decorate their 'lair' in either zebra or leopard prints. Can be identified by the copious layers of makeup, fake tan, slightly ill fitting and/or out of date clothing, gravelly voice, Grand-Am, smokers' cough, and ability to drink virtually any living thing under the table (whereupon they will pounce). Warning: Can be difficult to differentiate from a Tranny under certain circumstances. Sometimes the only way to find out is the hard way.
Crazy: Man, you all's crazy.
The Cut: Within 5 minutes of a Pirate falling out of site, remaining Pirates will begin dividing up missing Pirate's belongings. Don't forget to include their spouse.
Dead to Me: You have somehow angered the Tank. This quote comes to mind "Fredo, you're nothing to me now. You're not a brother, you're not a friend. I don't want to know you or what you do. I don't want to see you at the hotels, I don't want you near my house. When you see our mother, I want to know a day in advance, so I won't be there. You understand?" If the Tank says this to you, and then asks you to go fishing, avoid at all costs.
Death: "My life was too short to achieve the conquest of the whole world."
The Desert: Mainly a state of mind. Very important for several reasons: 1. easy place to dispose of 'accidents' 2. where The Snake resides 3. where Las Vegas is located. And Old Mexico.
Dum Dum: Textbook Cougar who just walked into the ocean one day and never came out. Oh yeah.
Dumpster: Another good place to Start Over. Try to find several in a row to house your friends. Many of the best ones are occupied, so excercise caution.
Dusty Russle: A treat made by Fred with the help of Betty Crocker and a coke mule.
DWF: The Drunken Wrestling Federation.
El Fantastico: Infamous Mexican wrestler. Translated to English: The Fantastico.
Equipment Checklist: Two barrels of Jack. Check. Four cages stuffed with fighting cocks (blades on talons). Check. An eighty gallon tank filled with water and a midget. Check. Two bags of ice. Check. One set of bongos. Check.
The Egg Tree: U2's new project dedicated to growing enough eggtrees to feed the world and selling enough new albums to buy it.
Falco's: Last stop on the TA train. Via con pizza.
Farmhouse Massacre: This occurs the night that the decision is made to 'start over' and get jobs at the cement factory. Allegedly.
Fetch 'Chete: You look dirty. Maybe you need a Nicaraguan Shower?
Financial Strategy, Then Again's : Indian food for everyone!!
Fluff & Fold: Eww, I just washed that.
Fridge: Tank's ridiculously overpriced rack-mounted guitar effects that never
Football, The Nuclear: A leather satchel holding 3 airplane bottles of Jack, or 2 airplane bottle and 2 cokes, if that's how you roll. Must never be more than 7 feet from its guardian, no matter what the priest or the bride says.
Four Whoresmen: One four legged stool and 4 crying dudes.
Frankenstein: Unit of measure equivalent to one Frankenstein. Usage: "Dude, the Burrito Place is like a hundred Frankensteins away. Lets just go to this burrito place right here."
Frankensteinium: A rare metal found mostly in graveyards where bikers like to party. See also Wolfmangum
Frankenword: Any one of many "words" in the Fred dictionary. See Portmanteau(ii).
Front Bar: Where you left your first credit card.
Funnin: Jokes, buddies, all about fun havin.
Gidget: A gay little person. Nothing wrong with that!
Gig: That which pays for booze.
Glory Days: The world's greatest Roadie.
Good Times: "The Greatest Happiness is to scatter your enemy and drive him before you. To see his cities reduced to ashes. To see those who love him shrouded and in tears. And to gather to your bosom his wives and daughters."
Grammar: "Shut up", he explained.
Grandpa Guitars: Acoustic guitars. Often mistaken by band members for chairs or other pieces of furniture.
Grandpa's Turtle: A sexual position known to be more powerful than any other, thus it should only be used as a last resort. The sheer fertile Potency of The Turtle is so absolute, roommates and sometimes even neighbors and pets have been incidentally impregnated. It is known to cure chronic back pain as well as being the name of a dessert.
Green Room: Imaginations run wild about all the shananigans and goings on in bands Green Rooms. Maybe Hairbangers or M&J have a constant Studio 54 rockin in their Green Rooms, but T.A. almost uniformly consists of a bunch of dudes fighting over chicken strips, sleeping, butchering Over the Hills and Far Away on an accoustic, and/or watching really Important Sports on the tv. The dream is dead.
GPFCH: Giant Pink Foam Cowboy Hat. Speaks for itself. GPFCH now available in yellow and blue
The Hard Way: Conclusively determining whether you brought home a simple Cougar or a full blown Tranny. And not by monitoring 5'oclock shadow (this is not considered reliable evidence to exclude a cougar). Its really all academic at this point anyway, you're gonna get laid either way.
Helmut Gold: The most precious substance in the universe. Its atomic number is infinity, that's how rare it is. Now if you can record to it you're on to something.
Helping: See Helping
Hey Buddy!!: A buddy's greeting.
High Pitched Tone: Do you hear that high pitched tone? That's the Train of Decency screeching to a halt. WOW, you really are priceless. See Priceless.
Hightower: Very, very large individual who is perplexed by cracker ass crackers who elect to move his vehicle by picking it up and moving it by brute force. This situation involves Tank running away in fear squeeling like a little girl. War Hero 88 stands his ground.
Hippies: You know what a fucking hippy is. Dirty treehugging stinkers. See Side Street Saloon.
Hockey Bar: Hang out here whether or not you have just played hockey.
Horse Apple: Eat here when the sun is coming up and you havent slithered home yet. Order the most expensive dish. Eat nothing, but destroy your food. Try to order the waitresses teeth. Do not engage the local WW2 vets in conversation about catching syphalis at Palermo.
The Indigo: Tank has a hot lead on OBL.
Insane Llama: Famous Luchador that occasionally sits in on bass.
Insanity: Repeating the same process over and over again and expecting a leprechaun to eat carburetors out of your grail.
Intervention: A surprise party where all your friends and family try to ruin your life. Has to be done while you are sober so try not to let that happen. See: Rehab.
J.O. City: When the cat's away, The Mayor will reign. "This town's only big enough for one of us, honey."
The J.O.C. 24 Hour Challenge: The record stands at 12. Just how badly can it be beat?
Jager Bombs: Combines well with RBV. This is usually the point where things get hazy and awesome.
Jeff Daniels (The Drink): The finest mixture of 80 Proof Tennessee Sour Mash and your grandmother's glassware. Best served outdoors near unreasonably loud unnecessary explosions.
Joe's Dad's Basement: A land of mystery, history, and yellow.
Joe's on Weed: Home.
Khan, Genghis: "Violence never settles anything."
Lady Boys: Sorta like a Tranny but you don't have to feel weird about it at all.
The Leak: Noun: Result of a man wearing panties that are just too small for him. Can also be used as a verb: To escape or "pass around" misaligned borders.
Leavings: A Pirate's food or drink remnants.
Lobster: Something they don't serve at Falco's, but if you touch one you will wind up there.
Man Soup: See Vintage.
Manger Scene, The: Greatest Halloween costume that never was.
Mr. Tan: Another major super-hero. Since being exposed to mysterious "U.V." radiation, Mr Tan has the power of a neverending tan. His alter identity doesnt wear sunglasses, the perfect disguise. Arch-Nemesis: SPF Infinity.
National Anthem: Written by Francis Scott Key in Fort Knox, Gettysburg PA, 1776. Lyrics: "Hey there, in the distance, see it glistenin, glistenin, glistenin. Hear the trumpets of freedom, hear them listen, listen listen. A banner in the sky its all star-spangled, spangled, spangled. Boop. A beep beep. Boop. A beep beep. FREEEEDOMMMMMOOOOOHHOOHHHHH. BUT AT WHAT PRICE?"
Nicaraguan Shower: Similar to the Columbian Necktie- the victim is made to "fetch 'Chete", after which his hand is hacked off and he must hold the arterial blood squirting out over himself and wash with the remaining hand.
NPAGL: The Non Partisan Anti-Ginger League. Proving that Tank and Buehn can agree on something.
Old Salty: The S.N.A.C.K. Crusader's mortal enemy. He was once a pirate but got kicked off because everytime he touches water he soaks it up. Thats what happened to the other Atlantic Ocean, OS fell in. Now he is bitter because he cant be a pirate and takes it by oversalting delicious munchables. And murder.
Panty Claus: A true Super Hero's super hero. PC spends his days stealing panties from the rich, and giving them to the poor...with a Latin flare. Don't mind the speedo or zebra striped fanny pack, that's where the panties come from! Jolly chest hair and an accent to disarm even the most sun scorched resort diva. Ole!
Paradox: Eighty percent of people think they're better than average.
Parrot Top: If you stuck Jimmy Buffet's head on Carrottop's Frankenstonian body.
Pass Around: Verb. See leak
Patio Bar: Courtesy of Janice. I've never been out there but there are probably a couple of my credit cards floating around.
Pearl Necklace: The finest and most river worthy of the 16 calorie blow up vessels.
Piss: A gig in the middle of nowhere where they can't hear you scream PISS! Also: a contest to keep band entertained during music(s).
The Polad Lounge: Where dreams are realized.
Ponies: Beers shrunken down to novelty size.
Porky Piging: As in "That guy is porky piggin' it." This move is pulled off when a guy walks around with a shirt on and nothing else. Girls can do it, but they don't have the garbage hanging and flopping around like a guy does
Portmanteau (i): Linguistic strategy of most ThenAgainisms.
Portmanteau (ii): See Frankenword.
Postppetizer - A Pirate's offering of food Leavings, specifically served from offerer's finger tips - $20*. * Note: $20 offer is rarely accepted.
Pot of Gold: That which comes out when you kick a leprichaun in the ass. Also Bono's greatest obsession outside of feeding the oppressed with the Eggtree.
Priceless: Worth nothing, worthless. No one would buy it and also it is stupid. That dern look on your face when I done broke them fancy books you bought what down at the flea market sho' was priceless, son.
"Pumped and Prolapsed": The truest test of your vomit reflex. Required viewing for all ThenAgainians.
Rafting, Pirate's First Rules of : 1. N'ary a Pirate do raft alone. 2. Only a 16 calorie raft be sufficient. 3. A Pirate and his mate shall employ the 'front to front' seated formation. Please note, he's not your guy, buddy. 4. If some landlubber onlooker asks why you are "dressed like that", the only Pirate's response be: "Why are YOU dressed like that?" 5. Yarr.
RBV: Red Bull and Vodka. Ketle One being the vodka of choice. Make friends with it.
Rehab: A vacation. But a vacation in Harvard Illinois. In other words, one of the circles of hell.
The Red Note: A musical note so sonically perfect it causes ladies to spontaneously menstrate. For that reason it can only be performed when mic-checking during sound check. Heyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy YYyyeeeeaaaaahhhh!.
Redrunkening: That feeling where you wake up woozy and have one sip of alcohol, suddenly you are wasted again.
Retirement Tour: This makes no sense.
Richardson-Richardson: Dance move. Great for Nightz Out.
Rider: The list of unreasonable demands submitted by a band to a venue. Most bands' riders consist of things like bottled water, towels, fruit, a brandy glass of brown m&m's, etc. To my knowledge T.A.s rider has never in its history contained anything but booze.
Ride the Snake: A binge of drunken hedonism lasting for days, months, or years. Ideally carried out in the desert or anywhere else.
Ridin' The Wind:Is what I do. Buddy.
Riff Raff: Atlantis Pirate attendees not staying at the Cove Tower.
The Road: Out there man. Doin it, living it, layin it all on the line. Life on The Road is known to be Tough.
Ruin: Tank intends to ruin Buehn by starting up a rival company to destroy his table skirt empire. Buehn intends to retaliate by going to law school, getting a job at a rival high price firm, and then murdering Tank.
R&R: I whole lotta rockin, but a lot more... goin on.
R2: Heavy, rectangular peice of gear never having been known to accomplish any useful function.
Scrapper: A drink made solely of Leavings. It can only be found in the highlands of the Atlantis Resort, Paradise Island, Bahamas. Please note this location is well away from the Riff Raff.
7: Liters of Jack consumed in 4 days by 3 degenerate Pirates.
Side Street Saloon: Dead to us again. Forever.
Shitip, Dick: The gardner what done always got a dirty root, son.
Shrimp: Prounounced "SHRIMP!!!!!!"
Shrimp and White Wine: The classiest of all meals.
The Snake: The noncorporal entity that must be both appeased and angered by riding him in a drunken and irresponsible manner. Warning: The Snake is long. 7 miles.
Sinners: "If you had not commited great sins, God would not have sent a punishment like me upon you."
Slotty: Gentleman caller
Sports: Really important Sports are happening all the time. It doesnt matter who wins, because just the good natured spirit of competition means we're all winners just for having played/watched/not watched but thought briefly about. Go Sports!
Song: That which is created by Tube. Like Gig, Song also pays for booze.
Stacker II: Gives you the energy of a bear, with the energy of 2 bears. Its like a koala crapped a rainbow in your brain.
Starting Over: Sell the house, sell the cars, sell the kids. Never go home. Basically stopping wherever you happen to be and aquiring the most mundane job possible. See: Cement Factory
Super Star Destroyer: Long considered impossible by leading astrophysicists, it is now confirmed by experts that this, the largest known bottle of Jack Daniels does indeed exist. Nearly double the size of the standard Battle Axe, and a full three times larger than the Airplane Bottle, the SSD comes equipped with a metal cradle to make pouring possible for anyone of less than full-retard strength. Not available for purchase in the USA, the SSD can only be found in nations without extradition treaties or public health systems.
Taint Bagging: A Pirate's punishment; much like Tea Bagging, but a little further south.
The Teapot Dome Scandal:Political scandal circa 1922 involving oil wells, bribery, conspiracy, and a stone cool groove.
Them Again: Name for a band that still creeps around on their own website months after their last show. See Time and Again Band
Time and Again Band: A band that continues to reappear time and time again. The name is based on the name of a band that used to do this continually.
Tranny: A Superhot Babe with a big surprise!
Tube: That which creates Song.
T.V.'s Gary Busey: Popular actor known for public service announcements and dog named Bingo.
20th Century Fox: See Cougar.
The Wall: "The strength of a wall is neither greater nor less than the courage of the men who defend it."
Wake and Bake: Thought you had me, didnt you hippy? Stay off the grass kid. And get a haircut.
Vintage: See: Man Soup.
VIP Bar: Where you complain loudly someone stole all your credit cards.
VIPS:Soveriegn nation located adjacent to Joe's on Weed. Population: 184. Native currency- The Stripperbuck. Major exports: %$#^&.
Yellow:Its wet, its yellow, and its almost ready for shot time.